T s tough to be the normal sibling but short of ditching anyone who s slightly abnormal I don t see any other option than to take on extra responsibilities if someone in your family is troubled "I don t subscribe to the American belief that our own personal fulfillment should be the absolute " don t subscribe to the American belief that our own personal fulfillment should be the absolute priority in our lives if we re hurting other people to make that happen but I suspect the author of this book does Very interesting not depressing which is what I thought it might be I recommend this to everyone no matter WHAT your siblings are like Somehow it was reassuring
to understand the similarities of growing up with ANY sibling as well as understand the similarities of growing up with ANY sibling as well as a sibling that created challenging circumstances It s especially reassuring to now that you re not alone There are similarities than differences for all of us and most of us never talk about the ripple effect of how a difficult sibling changes a family I was excited to read this but didn t feel like I really grew or learned much from it The large section chapters dedicated to dreams didn t really appeal to me While it started off strong and I made several connections with the personal memoir ish introduction the book seemed to be about making a case for the Caliban Syndrome which doesn t seem to have caught on since this phrase was coined and less about how to heal grow learn as a result of living with a troubled or needy sibling Great concept some good parts I had high hopes for this book since it covers a topic not often seen what it is like for siblings to grow up in a family where one sibling has emotional or medical problems Unfortunately early in the book the author admits that she had a very hard time finding subjects to interview since many of them refused to talk about their experience Of the few that did only one had than one sibling It seems dream analysis guided much of the author s conclusions and in than one place I felt she was really reaching to come up with something She also spent an inordinate amount of time sharing a story from literature to defend her naming of the whole experience as the Caliban Admittedly she is also a biased researcher having her own damaged sibling experience growing up I #Would Label This A Good #label this a good but ultimately it didn t go anywhere For example there are no tips on coping with such a situation only an analysis of the phases a normal sibling would tend to go through That s not helpful except to say you aren t alone This is written primarily to an adult audience when it is too late to prevent anything There is nothing helping any parents siblings or any other adult to prevent a Caliban experience In other words the conclusion is just that the situation is to be endured and survived and to me that really isn t a solution at all Now that we Black Heart, Red Ruby know this what are we going to do about it It is my hope that someone picks up this research and does something with it in the future. H wisdom and empathy she delineates the Caliban Syndrome a set of personality traits characteristic of higher functioning siblings premature maturity compulsion to achieve survivor guilt and fear of contagionEssential reading for normal ones and those who love them this landmark work offers readers insight compassion and tools to help resolve childhood pain It is a profound and eye opening examination of a subject that has too long been shrouded in darkness. This was the worst book ever This therapist needs a therapist ASAP Totally offensive Completely over the top whining with very little advice or hope I feel bad for her parents This book contains some nuggets ofnowledge that can be gleaned from siblings accounts of their relationships However the language in the book is EXTREMELY offensive and totally negates any benefits the book would otherwise provide Some examples of the offensive language from just a few pages of the book normal siblings intact sibling referring to siblings without disabilities and abnormal relatives retarded brother damaged sibling impossible sibling massively handicapped sister referring to siblings with disabilities This ind of language is UNACCEPTABLE and I am puzzled at how this book can even still be published as education on this topic Readers are much better off reading books like Special Siblings by Mary McHugh or Being the Other One by Kate Strohm which provide similar content that is actually worth reading Re readingagain Tis the seasonThis book #Took Me Years To Read Yes I Said Years At #me years to read Yes I said years At points the words were so raw and "true that I had to set it aside for a period of time " that I had to set it aside for a period of time I felt ready to face it againI m not going to detail my own situation it isn t necessary to put that down here I will say that the book is extremely helpful I was able to say that s me and that s and that s how acts and whyA must read for anyone that deals with a member of the family with mental illness or if you have incredibly difficult family drama The holidays are here and with that comes lots of tension This book will helpI plan to reread sections as they become necessary to review From my com reviewAt times reading this book was so difficult I had to close it for a while The feelings that it brought up were so intense raw and neglected for so long that it was difficult for me to face them Reading this book has made me realize that in my plight I am not alone and that there are actionable steps I can take in order to heal myselfSome ey uotations from the text that I personally found poignant Healthy children grieve they feel
Guilty And They Struggle and they struggle compensate by achieving for two Fixing the unfixable or saving the irredeemable is a freuent occurrence in sibling dreams Dreams in which a sibling no longer has the disability gives a brief respite that is both painful and pleasing to recollect The normal one s everyday trials and tribulations pale beside the catastrophe of their sibilings predicaments so it seems natural that they should never come first As a result many healthy siblings grow up with a hunger for attention that it never satisfied and that seems wrong to feel Their needs so consistently ignored become invisible to themselves The fallout from being invisible is to become self effacing perverse preeminence breeds perfectionism morbid self criticism and fear of failure Ex. What is it like to grow up with a sibling who is difficult or damaged Few bonds in our lives are as psychologically and emotionally significant as the ones we share with our sisters and brothers although little has been written about this formative relationship In this first of its ind book psychotherapist Jeanne Safer takes us into the hidden world of problem siblings and explores the far reaching effects on the lives of those who are considered the norma. ,
Jeanne Safer ã 0 characters,
Celling is not an ideal it is an emotional life preserver a nameless anxiety haunts them and makes everything they have seems sic tenuous or undeserved compulsive self sacrifice driven by the belief that you do not deserve your advantages At significant moments it is excruciating to now how much better off you are and always will beAs difficult as it was to read this book and grapple with all that
I had so conveniently ignored for so long recognizing the common traits of normal siblings is ey to becoming wholehad so conveniently ignored for so long recognizing the common traits of normal siblings is ey to becoming whole outlines those traits to be Premature maturity expected to shoulder responsibility wo complaint Survivor guilt Every achievement is tainted Compulsion to achieve must succeed for two Fear of contagion secret conviction that normality is tenuous or a shamIf you are a normal one and are ready to face the issues that come with that head on check out this book grab a box of Kleenex and find a uiet place to hunker down As Safer writes It is no crime for your own life to come first There is no time like the present to start living itComment Comment i stopped reading about page thirty and skimmed the next ten pages i ve recommended this book to several people and now having tried to read it feel as though i should apologize
a great idea for a book hope someone has written one on the subject Upsetting ingreat idea for a book hope someone has written one on the subject Upsetting in good validating sort of way Alternated between not being able to put it down and not being able to look at it but read it cover to cover in 2 days I hope that plenty will be written on the topic The author s thesis is that siblings are an overlooked but integral part of our identity She argues that having a sibling who is difficult or damaged generally makes parents go in one of two directions both of which damage the normal child Option A is to sink all of your energy into the problem child with the result that the normal child becomes invisible generally having to mature uickly to help with the damaged child and becoming an overachiever in life as a way of drawing parental attention Option B is to write off the problem child and turn the normal child into your golden boy or girl which in turn makes the normal child see that parental love is conditional and can easily be lost if he or she develops any flawsWhile I find that analysis interesting the book itself really turned me off I think part of the problem is simply that I have a nee jerk negative reaction to the author who admits that she was complicit in relegating her troubled older brother to second rate status during their childhood I found it annoying that she spent over 5% of the book on a literary analysis of the Tempest even though she uses Caliban as the symbol for the damaged sibling throughout the book the analysis seemed excessiveBut the real problem I think is that the author can t seem to take a step back from her own problematic childhood to look at the issue in context Yes L onesDrawing on than sixty interviews with normal or intact siblings Safer explores the daunting challenges they face and probes the complex feelings that can strain families and damage lives A normal sibling herself Safer chronicles her own life shaping experiences with her troubled brother She examines the double edged reality of normal ones how they both compensate for their siblings' abnormality and feel guilty for their own health and success With bot. .